Speak Yourself

Empty walls and hollow sounds

April 20, 2009 at 7:54 pm (On my mind) (college, depression, future, graduation, John Mayer, moving, moving-out, roommates, sad, Stop This Train, video)

My apartment on campus is getting pretty depressing.  We’re all moving out this week as the semester comes to a close and we move on. My roomies and I have been gradually packing up our stuff and bringing it home.   The walls are bare where my roommate’s Twilight posters were hung and the polka-dot wall stickies were removed.  My room is also devoid of posters with a nearly empty closet and bookshelf.  And it’s starting to echo in the apartment, which is the most hollow sound imaginable when it’s the place you’ve lived in for eight months.

Even though I’m happy to be graduating and moving forward, I can’t help but be sad that I won’t be coming back next year.  This year has been awesome and I never thought it would be because of my crazy schedule.  I actually got placed with an amazing roommate whom I now consider one of my best friends.  She has made this stressful year so much more fun than it would have been without her.  I will miss her extremely off-key serenades and drunken debauchery, which always led to some hilarious entertainment and me putting her to bed.  I’ll even miss her super pink room where we would sit on her squishy foam-topped bed and talk for hours.  She is hands down the best roomie I’ve ever had.

I don’t know what the world will hold for me after graduation.  I’m so used to being a student that I’m not quite sure about how to operate in the professional world.  I’m not a kid any more, though I still go running home to my mom when something happens – she’s always been my rock in this hectic world.  I know that these feelings are normal, but it’s scary knowing that you’re on your own now.

It’s almost as though some little piece of my heart just emptied out and I don’t know how to fill the space.  Corny, I know, but that’s how it feels.  John Mayer sums it up perfectly.  I’ve never connected with a song more than I do right now with “Stop This Train.”

Lyrics:

No, I’m not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can’t sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?

Don’t know how else to say it
Don’t want to see my parents go
One generation’s length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can’t
But honestly, won’t someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I’m only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said “help me understand”
He said “turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate”

“Don’t stop this train
Don’t for a minute change the place you’re in
And don’t think I couldn’t ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we’ll never stop this train”

Once in awhile, when it’s good
It’ll feel like it should
And they’re all still around
And you’re still safe and sound
And you don’t miss a thing
Till you cry when you’re driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can’t take the speed it’s moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I’ll never stop this train

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